


It's one thing to be Clever and another to be Wise

by Ingi



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Royalty, Amused Dís, Crack Treated Seriously, Engagement, Epistolary, Fluff, Fíli and Kíli Are Little Shits, Kíli Is an Internet Celebrity, M/M, Minor Pop Culture References, Social Media, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-17 10:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13656786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingi/pseuds/Ingi
Summary: "Don't worry, Bilbo," he says, which is the first sign that Bilbodoeshave to worry, a lot, because Kíli is going to Do Something About It. "We'll handle it."And, since Fíli raises an eyebrow at the plural—which signifies that he was not aware he was included in the plan, which itself means that Kíli just pulled it out of his royal butt—, Bilbo can tell he should be very, very afraid.Or: Modern Royalty!AU where Kíli makes terrible decisions and everyone else is either an enabler, a victim, or both. Tumblr, as expected, is delighted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ... *hides under a rock*
> 
> tHIS PLOT BUNNY APPEARED IN ABOUT A SECOND, OUT OF NOWHERE, AND WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY. Okay.
> 
> (The title came from a George R.R. Martin quote; appropiate, considering the random GoT mentions.)

Kíli Durin is five when he swears to one day marry his brother.

It's only in response to a long chain of events involving playdates with Tauriel—a noblewoman from the kingdom of Mirkwood, seven years old at the time—, a hundreds-year-old tradition instigated by a dictator, an iffy arranged marriage scheme that suddenly starts being discussed by Thorin and Thranduil, and a huge tantrum by himself and most of his family. But Kíli means it, even then.

Six-year-old Fíli agrees, which is why at fifteen, Kíli is surprised when starting to date his brother takes a month-long campaign of constant reassurance and insistence of _listen to your heart_ —it was a serious request for Fíli to actually fucking pay attention to his own feelings for once, but it quickly degenerated into playing Roxette's classic over and over, leaving everyone in the Mountain very confused and both Fíli and Kíli so sick of it that Kíli is certain he will only be able to play that song in their future wedding for the lolz, and then _never again_ —.

By when Bilbo Baggins enters their lives, Fíli and Kíli, princes of Erebor, have been semi-secretly dating for two years.

Then, a year later, Shit Goes Down.

And dating suddenly becomes a marriage proposal. In the weirdest way possible.

 

 

 

"Thorin asked me to marry him," Bilbo says, wringling his hands.

Fíli's head snaps up, and he slowly pushes the paperwork he's going over to the other end of the table, focusing his whole attention on Bilbo. Kíli, sitting in front of him—legs crossed and ankles casually leaning in the dining room's table—, doesn't even look up from his phone.

"Yay, Bilbo!" he hums. "Uncle finally did it, huh?"

"Congratulations," Fíli replies, but it sounds like a question. He kicks his brother under the table, but Kíli viciously ignores him and keeps scrolling through Instagram. "You- don't sound too- uhm, excited about it."

"Oh! Oh, no, I am!" Bilbo assures them, and he's not lying. He _really_ is not. He's been sitting on this announcement for more than a week and he's still aggressively happy about it, so much that he tears up a little every time he remembers. "But there's- there's a problem. Well- not a problem, really. No one would say it's a problem, except for how it possibly could become one, you know, but then again who knows for sure, it's just- I'd rather not have it become one? But I don't- I mean, what if-"

"Bilbo," Kíli interrupts, gently, and pulls him down to sit beside him.

Bilbo stops and takes a deep breath. This is precisely why he came to his soon-to-be nephews and not to anyone else- well, actually, this is why he made sure to come to _both_ of them. Fíli is very good at examining the ramifications of every decision and almost as good at damage control, but at least as anxious as Bilbo himself is—he's already beginning to look distinctly stressed, only because of Bilbo's nervous ranting—, while Kíli is the master of staying _chill_ , as he says, and keeping everyone the same.

"I'm a _peasant_ ," Bilbo wails. "A peasant is marrying the king of Erebor."

"Wha-"

"Bilbo, that's not a-" Fíli tries, but Bilbo shakes his head.

"I'm not even a peasant from Erebor," he reminds them. "I'm a peasant from the _Shire_ , one of the tiniest countries in the world- and let's not mention what my family has been working on for generations- I rather don't think your people are going to be impressed when they find out that my closest connection with politics is that I provide the kitchens of the Council of Ministers with _tomatoes_."

"They are very good tomatoes," Kíli loyally says.

"Didn't your family use to have a royalty title?" Fíli asks, frowning.

"Several hundred years ago," Bilbo sighs, "back when the Shire was still a monarchy. We got stripped from it after one of my ancestors was sent to Rhovanion as a peace ambassador and punched Azog of Moria in the face."

Kíli bursts into ugly laughter, covering his face with his hands in what would be considered self-consciousness in anyone else, but in Kíli is probably only a weak attempt to hold himself back as to not offend Bilbo.

"Holy fuck, you're related to _that_ guy?"

"There's still a clipping of a witness' account from one of our old history textbooks taped to the wall of our childhood bedroom," Fíli says, trying to pretend he's not grinning. "Balin fondly regards that lesson as one of the very few ones that Kíli ever bothered paying attention to."

"My point is," Bilbo replies, glaring at both of them, "that I'm not the most adequate person to be marrying your uncle, according to your people-"

Kíli's face begins taking on an uncharacteristically dark expression.

"Did Uncle say that?"

"No, of course not," Bilbo snorts, waving the suggestion away with a hand. "But this is the first marriage of this kind in a very long time, so I assume that there's going to be some sort of- ah, public discussion about it. Almost certainly outright disapproval, as well."

He turns to Fíli, because Fíli understands—is equally bad at facing rejection—.

"Not everyone is going to disapprove," Fíli says, cautiously. "Not many people, I don't think. But- I suppose, you're right in that it will be heavily discussed."

"Everywhere," Bilbo agrees, between horror and resignation. " _All the time_."

Kíli pats his arm, smiles at him.

"Don't worry, Bilbo," he says, which is the first sign that Bilbo _does_ have to worry, a lot, because Kíli is going to Do Something About It. "We'll handle it."

And, since Fíli raises an eyebrow at the plural—which signifies that he was not aware he was included in the plan, which itself means that Kíli just pulled it out of his royal butt—, Bilbo can tell he should be very, very afraid.

 

 

 

"So I was wondering-" Kíli says, long after Bilbo has gone to fret elsewhere—probably to the kitchens, to Bombur—.

After allowing his brother to drag him into a Harry Potter marathon _and_ the recording of the newest video of _Politics for ~~Dummies~~ the Uninformed_ , Fíli is more than slightly behind on the paperwork Thorin has assigned him for the week, so he refuses to even put his pen down.

"I am _not_ going to do anything ' _for the Vine_ '," he reminds him. Uhm. Apparently, king Thranduil of Mirkwood is due for another visit soon. Fíli is not looking forward to that particular dinner. "I learned my lesson after the first three became viral."

"Nah," Kíli sniffs dramatically. "As if I needed you to reach stardom."

Fíli is aware of that.

His brother has a very active profile in every single social media website in existence, and he's probably more of an Internet celebrity than he is famous because of his status as second in line for the throne of Erebor. He single-handedly holds the ravid loyalty of everyone under the age of fourty, by whom he is commonly refered to as ' _the original cinnamon roll_ ' and ' _a walking meme_ '.

"What then?" Fíli asks, distractedly.

"Remember when you were six and you said you'd marry me?"

Fíli's pen slips and draws a thick black line over next month's political schedule, right over the notes on welcoming king Thranduil.

" _What_?"

Kíli blinks at him, all innocence and perplexity.

"I said, do you remember when you said you'd marry me?" he repeats, slowly. "Because I was thinking-"

"What the _fuck_ , Kíli," Fíli says, unable to really feel anything but shock. "What the- you turned eighteen _this year_."

"What's that got to do with anything," Kíli grumbles. "It's possible to marry at sixteen."

"No one even knows we're-"

And as it always, always happens to him, Fíli's unable to finish the sentence. All the possible words get stuck in the ball of emotion in his throat, which only gets tighter when Kíli smiles that wide, fond smile of his and flicks him on the forehead.

"That's what I was _saying_ ," he says, voice soft for a moment, before he catches himself and grins. "We can make it this big announcement, take the focus off Bilbo."

Fíli immediately goes through the Five Stages of Post-Listening to a Kíli Plan. First disbelief, then horror, then disbelief again, then amazement—incredulous amazement, usually, so it can be considered another shade of disbelief—, and finally, resigned acceptance.

"Did you just-" He covers his face with his hands and breathes in slowly. " _Kíli_. Did you just _propose_ to me as a plot to save Bilbo from public disapproval? By turning it to _us_ instead?"

Kíli, the little shit, shrugs.

"I mean- we were going to do this at some point, Fee. And this is the best timing, so-"

It's not that Fíli does not want to marry him.

Fíli _very much_ wants to marry him, only that he has been vaguely considering it in the context of a relatively far future. _Years_. He is not ready. It's not because of the marriage itself—even though the idea of rushing through it, like the idea of rushing through anything, makes him twitchy—, but because of the announcement, everyone knowing and having _opinions_ about it and- He can't do it.

But then Kíli beams and takes the pen that is still held loosely in Fíli's hand, sets it on the table, intertwines their fingers without a moment's hesitation.

"I didn't mean we should marry _right now_!" he says, rolling his eyes, because he always _knows_. "I am too young and beautiful for that, Fíli. Fíli, my admirers would be _crushed_. We have to give them some time to accept their loss, like- years. Decades. Unless you want a double wedding with Uncle-" Fíli grimaces despite himself, which makes Kíli laugh, which in turn makes _Fíli_ laugh. "We can get engaged!" Kíli wheezes. "Or maybe- maybe just exchange those creepy purity rings like Hannah Montana-"

"Kíli- Kee, her name is _not_ -"

"And I'm thinking- I'm thinking an Instagram proposal. I can make a gif set or some shit-"

"Romantic," Fíli snorts.

Kíli grins at him, waggling his eyebrows.

"So- we're doing this."

Fíli suddenly knows, in a flash of inspiration—or of divine intervention, begging for some sanity and common sense to enter the scene—, what a normal person would say.

But the Durin have never prided themselves in being _normal_.

 

 

 

 **doctorwhy2135** reblogged **thelittlekitkatthatcould**

 **hot-potato** :

> politicians from 99% of countries: "well..... we guess we can- uhhhhhhh legalize gay marriage? maybe? in the next ten years????? bUT this is all tentative. a bring-your-own-cake event. in this country we don't bake gAY CAKES.
> 
> erebor's royalty: *passed most pro-queer bills 70547205740752 years ago* *goes to the pride parade fucking DROWNING in glitter and FUCKING _HIGHFIVES_ EVERYONE CARRYING A PRIDE FLAG*

**kílidurin** :

> relatable

**thirdwifeofdaenerys** :

> I AM _WHEEZING_
> 
> THE SECOND HEIR OF THE THRONE OF EREBOR, EVERYONE. omfg thank u god thank u babadook weve been blessed
> 
> for reference here is photographic evidence of kíli v. durin, prince of erebor and Our Hero, in last year's pride parade. this is so fucking funny to me bcs not only was _he_ the one to be walking around with more glitter than a mother's day card and doing the high-five thing (!!!!! srsly!  there are fUCKING VIDEOS), but he still took the time to comment on this tumblr post basically going "hahaha yes lol I did the thing"
> 
> we do not deserve kíli durin
> 
> [Image: pridekingkili.jpg]

795,388 notes  
#our royalty is better than yours 2kfoREVER #THIS POST BROKE TUMBLR FOR 3 FUKHIGN HOURS #classic #THIS IS ICONIC FJC

 

 

 

 **1234nope** reblogged **comeatmebrotp**

 **kílidurin** :

> **POLITICS FOR ~~DUMMIES~~ THE UNINFORMED: s2e02**
> 
> and in this week's episode- *dramatic drumroll* we cover smaug the terrible p.2 and that time I almost got married off to mirkwood!! fun times!!
> 
> [Video: POLITICS FOR THE UNINFORMED s2e02 - starring Fíli Durin]
> 
> [Transcript]
> 
> kay, so now comes the summary kíli style bcs let's not kid ourselves the only ones who can understand my brother's fancy politics talking are three random erudites in the bermudas and our king thorin. the video was for you guys *finger guns* and also for fíli's mighty need to use powerpoint. ur welcome
> 
> [Read More]
> 
> _tl;dr:_ basically a buttload of years ago, dudebro smaug from last video established some weird arranged marriage tradition thing that we all forgot about for some reason????? but it was still there so when I was 4yo I became friends with lady tauriel of mirkwood and king thorin and king thranduil were like "!!!!! yes yes good idea. now u marry" for about two seconds, before literally everyone else went "hahaHA what NOPE". so anyways that's the story of how arranged marriages were officially banned in erebor after everyone and their grandmas had forgotten they were even a thing for about 3478347384 million years.

**whenamanlovessnk** :

> THHIS WAS AWESOME THNX
> 
> i now finally understand smaug the dudebro. somewhere somehow my old teachers are all screaming
> 
> be my sensei, your royal highness sir kíli durin of erebor. i dont think thats how titles work but thats fine. thats fine. ur a chill dude youll understand
> 
> aLSO THE _TAGS_
> 
> #sorry for making you explain this 38743743 times fee #love u fee #iT WAS TOTALLY BCS OF ADHD STUFF NOT BCS UR BORING I PROMISE #fíli appreciation squad n1 member #politics for the uninformed #pftu s2 #srsly tho fíli was ready to Die
> 
> there's 47 pages for the tag "love u fee". i dont tnow why this is so fucking funny tn me but it is

245,694 notes  
#kili durin #fili durin #world's best princes explain POLITICS #to watch

 

 

 

 **mikomi** reblogged **darklittlehole43**

 **ghostsdefeatedourskeletonhats** :

> science side of tumblr, why is erebor's royalty so gorgeous
> 
> like, explain it to me. my country has this entire basket of rotten potatoes and y'all have supermodels. we have ROTTEN POTATOES WITH GLASSES. rotten potatoes with hats. just _rotten potatoes_. the closest anyone has come to being OKAY was the youngest prince when he dressed as the IT clown for halloween.
> 
> meanwhile erebor has king thorin with majestic hair and _thaht jaw_. heir fíli with slightly less majestic but still pantene hair AND eyes that are out of this world. second-heir kíli who could punch me in the face and I would _thank him_. lady dís the total milf who is also a badass. like srlsy I could go on forever, even personal bodyguard dwalin is amazingly attractive, like????? how???
> 
> HOW science side of tumblr. HOW

**cutelittleluckylove** :

> magic

**kthxbailivinglies** :

> thank you science side of tumblr
> 
> also 2000% agree my royalty is okay but erebors royalty is like HOT DAMN

**hufflepuffssawthroughmycravings** :

> Okay, but let me just start the DiscourseTM:
> 
> .....who is the Most Beautiful?

**lulzversusdadjokes4** :

> ohhhhhhhh boy
> 
> okayokayokay so I love my man fili and if king thorin even looked at me id start crying. but tbh in my heart i think im a kili fanboy i mean??????? no offense but the durin nose is so 1897

**superwhisperinglies** :

> BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**hufflepuffssawthroughmycravings** :

> is that- is that a Cyrano de Bergerac reference??

**ohsoillusoryscissors** :

> whelp strap in guys I literally just wrote 2k of why lulzversusdadjokes4 is _wrong_
> 
> [Read More]

121,450 notes  
#incredible #durin discourse #teaTM #personally i would die for dís yes thank you #must find that post with the gifs #from when she stopped like 3 assassination attempts when she was 15 #like DAMN u queen

 

 

 

 **brighterthanregularfluff** reblogged from **fikiisreal**

 **kílidurin** :

> so yes anyways congrats to my future fiancé and me. get your fancy suits ready everyone bcs in the next three to seven years there will be a WEDDING.
> 
> yes I am indeed marrying fíli at some point. I know I KNOW you fiki shippers saw it coming. don't think I didn't see you guys :))) your art is A++ and only slightly creepy btw I'm going to be reblogging so much stuff in the next few years. dan and phil who??? fee and I are the new power couple

**practific** :

> what. WHAT
> 
> omfg iS THIS A JOKE OR WHAT???? IT'S NOT APRIL'S FOOL KÍLI. IT'S NOT APRIL'S FOOL DON'T DO THIS TO ME

**insidercher** :

> what the everloving fuck is going on

**stonebluewitch** :

> To everyone in the notes saying this is a joke or someone hacked into Kíli's account: nope, this is REAL. Here, have some Receipts:
> 
>   * Kíli's announcement in Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat (I died with the shitty glittery collage in this last one.)
>   * Fíli's confirmation in Twitter (!!! This boy. So formal.)
>   * King Thorin's congratulations in the King of Erebor Twitter account (I can't tell if he's happy or not because he sounds exactly as curt as always.)
>   * Interviews by several news channels (Omfg everyone needs to see these and inmortalize it in gifs. A lot of them.)
>   * Articles in some Very Important newspapers (The writers are all so confused but excited, it's _hilarious_.)
> 


**wasabileak235neko** :

> I can't believe this is really happening but I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it
> 
> here have some gifs
> 
> [Gif 1][Gif 2][Gif 3]  
>  [Gif 4][Gif 5][Gif 6]
> 
> ~~also I'm _so_ here for the phan reference~~

**mdogggglossy** :

> I NEED TO KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS. THIS IS ALL I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT FOR _FOREVER_
> 
> like SERIOUSLY just watch the second interview, the periodist asked who had proposed and how and kíli just FUCKING STARTED LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF and meanwhile fíli was there like -_- so fucking done, my son. and tHEY NEVER ANSWERED THE QUESTION. they just went "ahaha well kíli proposed" and now I need to know EVEN MORE bcs if it was kíli then I'm fucking CERTAIN it was weird af and also HILARIOUS and basically just magic okay???

**touchmyotherspectres** :

> I was going to say this is really fucking weird and kinda gross, but tbh i'd be an hypocrite?????
> 
> I mean this is just like game of thrones only real life and without anyone dying
> 
> so tbh who cares I'm just gonna bring some popcorn and enjoy

**ahautorg** :

> it's canon. IT'S CANON. iT'S FUCKING CANOOOOOOON THANK U GODS THANK Y MOM THANK U EVERYONE
> 
> thousands of works in ao3 probably are totally canon rn????? how wild is that?? ~~and also kili knows about the fandom omfg~~ ~~and hes like 100%supportive this is so wild~~ am I dreaming

684,999 notes  
#fiki #FIKI IS REAL!!!!!!! #fíli and kíli otp tag #jfc I literally just saw kíli reblogging a gif set comparing he and fíli with cersei and jaime #and tagging something like 'fee and me but healthy- and sane- and cuter' #and I was already dying but this????? #amazing #and also king thorin is getting married too???? #the future co-king looks cute af but tbh I'm too busy flailing over fiki #I don't even know who the poor guy is #imagine that your wedding announcement being upstaged by your nephews-in-law's #king thorin's mysterious future husband I'm sorry #in ten years when this has all died down #we will all be like "oh right we have two kings now" #see you then you beautiful tiny man

 

 

 

"See? That totally worked," Kíli says cheerfully. "I called it." He turns towards Bilbo and winks at him, as impervious to the general mood of the room as always, "You're welcome."

Thorin is staring off into space, like he's been for the last few hours. Bilbo puts a hand on his shoulder and tries not to smile, because frankly, it wasn't the _worst_ of Kíli's ideas—but then again, there's a lot of competition—. He suspects what's actually shocked Thorin is that he didn't see his nephews' relationship coming. Unlike, apparently, most of Erebor.

Including Dís herself, who upon being told had snorted and said,

"Well- this had a long time coming. More than a _decade_ , in fact."

To which Fíli had groaned and complained about everyone somehow remembering that, and Kíli had asked their mother if she had also known they'd been dating in secret for three years, and Thorin had nearly had an apoplexy—for second time that day—but Dís had only laughed and it turned out that yes, she _had_ known. Bilbo himself hadn't, and he can't help but be slightly irritated at his own innocence.

Kíli tends to _not_ be joking whenever he says something particularly outrageous, as in, for example, _I'm definitely marrying my brother one day_. And Fíli was probably reticent—although his misgivings, Bilbo can tell, probably had more to do with what a terrible idea it was, rationally speaking, than with disagreeing with Kíli in general—, but as everyone who has ever met him knows, Kíli has Powers. Not that Fíli isn't already weak to him.

Plus, Bilbo has seen Kíli giving up hours of precious sleep to help Fíli with his seemingly endless paperwork, and Fíli facing their uncle's wrath for Kíli's benefit. If that's not true love, Bilbo doesn't know what is.

"I-" Thorin starts, taking in a breath, and all eyes in the room turn to him. "I can't believe- I- I had to write, as _King of Erebor_ , in _Tweety_ -"

"Twitter, Uncle," Kíli interrupts, still beaming.

"-for our fourty millions of subjects and the rest of the world, to congratulate my _nephews_ for their engagement to _each other_ -"

"It wasn't the most enthusiastic of the congratulations either, Thorin," Dís chides him. "You could've at least tried to-"

"-and all of it, barely _two hours_ after I had announced my _own_ engagement."

"So the part that upsets you is being upstaged?" Bilbo asks, raising a brow.

Thorin looks at him helplessly.

They should probably have some pity on him—after all, he hasn't had any time to process the whole mess—, but frankly, they're all having too much fun for that. Except, perhaps, for Fíli, who hid his face in his hands about an hour ago and hasn't come out ever since.

Bilbo is just happy there's barely even been any mentions of him anywhere in the Internet. Or the news. Or the streets. Or just plain _anywhere_ , really.

Everyone has been too busy arguing if the Princes marrying is a wonderful idea because it's just like Game of Thrones but with nice people, or if it's wonderful because they'll be keeping their Durin blood in the family and strong inter-family marriages have been proven to lead to the golden ages of Erebor. Any actual criticism, while no doubt existing, has been swamped under all the excitement.

And the memes. Mostly the memes.

"Hey, Fee," Kíli says, nudging his brother, eyes fixed to his ever-present phone, "Tumblr user _thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt_ has drawn us in tuxes. "

"Thorin's _what_?" Thorin screeches.

"He's a good artist!" Bilbo says shrilly, maybe a little too defensive.

There were more conservative usernames to choose for his art sideblog, he has to admit, but his future husband's fine butt has been his muse for the past year and he _must_ give credit where credit is due. It's only gentlemanly.

Fíli raises his head for long enough to peek at Kíli's phone and snort.

"It's good art, but you look like the Phantom of the Opera. And we're _not_ having a thematic wedding."

"Boo," Kíli eloquently says. And then—eyebrows wriggling—, because he knows Fíli's weaknesses better than anyone else. "Not even if it's _Stark Trek_ themed?"

"Did you know that Mirkwood's main newspaper is using a Games of Thrones comparison photo for the engagement announcements?" Dís tells her brother, grinning. "They've casted you as Jon Snow."

Thorin, who at this point only looks haunted, cannot take this slight. He gets up, gently shakes off Bilbo's hand, and walks right out of the room, no doubt to write a very strong-worded, anonymous letter about how they're all _wrong_ —because Jon Snow, as Thorin has expressed loudly and frequently during their movie nights, is overrated—.

Bilbo sighs.

It's going to be a _long_ year.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Giving the word "epistolary" an entirely new, terrifying meaning: this chapter.
> 
> In which we take a look at the latest post by Tumblr user _thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt_ , aka Bilbo Baggins, and the linked posts. There's memes, teaTM, badassery, random historical/political talking, vines, semi-jokey statistics talking, terrible images and gif sets, and video commentary.

**thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** :

> **Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes: A (random) selection**
> 
> So- This is mostly my art tumblr, but as you all probably know by now, my most popular creations tend to be Erebor's-royalty-related. And since I often base them on popular memes (Dwalin as the Mountain, anyone?), a lot of people have been asking me for a while to share my favorite memes.
> 
> There's a lot of exciting change going on lately (yes, I am talking mostly about the Erebor engagements), which of course, this being Tumblr dot com, is bringing in a lot of new memes. So I felt like this was the right moment to share some of my favorite oldies, for nostalgia's sake if nothing else.
> 
> Now, a random selection of 5 of my favorite memes/posts from the last 5 years:
> 
>   * Dwalin IS the Mountain
>   * Erebor Royal Family Adventures in... THAT Christmas Speech
>   * The Bombur Vines
>   * Recollection of Several Times Erebor's Royalty Kicked Ass
>   * Unnamed Spectator Is Done with Vine and the Erebor Princes
> 


> So that's a wrap for now! Keep an eye on my new "Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes" tag if you want to see more, otherwise feel free to blacklist it.
> 
> (Next week, I'll be posting a new schedule for art updates. Amusingly enough, I have _also_ gotten engaged recently (I talked about it in my  personal tumblr... a _lot_ ), so getting ready for the wedding is going to take an enormous amount of my time. But no regrets!)

27,003 notes  
#Non-art Update #Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes

 

 

 

 **thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** reblogged **dangigarage**

 **selforpseu** :

> sometimes I can't believe erebor's castle is called the mountain. like, how fucking badass is that???

**citadimil** :

> Mirkwood's castle is the Green Woods and I think that's pretty neat as well

**selforpseu** :

> _no_
> 
> do you even know
> 
> just how many
> 
> _dick jokes_
> 
> you can make???

**talessnowmarcs** :

> Slightly off-topic, but does anyone even knows _why_ the Mountain?
> 
> I mean, Green Woods has this whole lovely backstore with a forest having been there and some Medieval Ages fancy mythology and stuff, but the Mountain? Did the ancestors of our royals walk into Erebor one day, all sweaty from the adventure and the lack of soap, take one look at a huge-ass mountain standing in their way, and go "Whelp. Guess we should kick it down and build a castle here"?
> 
> Because frankly, considering how their descendents, our _current_ royals, are.... I wouldn't be surprised.

**slipkinge4444more** :

> hEADCANON
> 
> but also..... maybe..... it's named.... the mountain.... because..... _it looks like a fucking mountain_

**enjoypeachfox** :

> a mountain would be better protected, strategically speaking
> 
> but then again, why would it need to be. they have the infamous dwalin, after all, who might or might not be an expert in all kinds of combat ever created??? and possibly a mafia boss??? and not only is the royals' personal bodyguard but is also in charge of coordinating all the security _and_ the military??
> 
> all I'm saying is
> 
> dwalin _is_ the mountain

**whatamajesticmoustachesire** :

> LMAOOOOO
> 
> [Image: dwalin_is_the_mountain.jpg]
> 
> here have a shitty drawing of dwalin BEING the mountain
> 
> no I don't know why he has sunglasses either. maybe it's because they make him look cool and mysterious. maybe you shouldn't smart talk dwalin the motherfucking mountain, who could roundkick you into the sun with only his big toe

**selforpseu** :

> THIS POST HAS NOT GONE HOW I THOUGHT IT WOULD _AT ALL_ BUT I DO NOT REGRET IT

**fraserxxtricked** :

> "The Mountain, located in the capital of the Kingdom of Erebor, has a total area of 135,000 m2." - Wikipedia
> 
> loooool that's it dwalin I'm fatshaming you

**mdoggestoni24** :

> "The Mountain is the home of Erebor's royalty" - also wikipedia bcs im classy
> 
> ^^ that is very gay and I appreciate it a lot

**shinymyyate** :

> hE KEEPS THEM ALL IN HIS HEART

**asdfgjhlthorin** :

> HE KEEPS THEM ALL IN HIS POUCH LIKE A MOMMA KANGAROO

**dorkcomeeatma10brains** :

> Do the _Erebor Princes_ look like they would be up for that?
> 
> On the other hand, king Thorin...

**selforpseu** :

> okay as the op of this post I have to say I don't think anyone from the royal family would be up for that
> 
> not even thorin. u can all stop with the weird kangaroo/king shipping now
> 
> so I've written and recorded a song expressing this belief
> 
> as you do
> 
> [Audio: The Song of the Lonely Mountain - A. Daenir]

**bugsvengeance** :

> HOLY FUCKING SHIT

**provulturediagonal** :

> HELLO, VIDEO EDITOR HERE, I 200% ACCEPT THIS HEADCANON AND I HAVE SWEATED SWEAT AND BLEED BLOOD TO BRING YOU THIS
> 
> [Video: Thorin Sings the Song of the Lonely Mountain (song by A. Daenir)]
> 
> enjoy our king singing selforpseu's amazing song, because we all know he's just emo enough to do it. dwalin looking a little teary-eyed in minute 2:15, eh?
> 
> ~~also never let me do this again omfg, I almost died, do you have any idea of how many videos of thorin I used to make this. way too many I'll tell you that~~

**dwalinn1fan** :

> this is the best thing I've ever fucking seen in my life

102,300 notes  
#All the Dwalin is the Mountain memes are GOLD #And the song is lovely!! #How are people so talented #Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes

 

 

 

 **thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** reblogged  **maddisteenie**

 **irondecl** :

> k can some1 explain to me wtf is going on w this years xmas speech from erebors royalty????
> 
> r u guys alright??

**panetellene** :

> alright? ALRIGHT? WE'RE ON FIRE THIS YEAR, MOTHERF******
> 
> [Video: THIS YEAR'S King Thorin's Christmas Speech!!! + Royal Family Cut!]

**leonzippobuff** :

> Okay, but non-Erebor peeps can't really understand just how _amazing_ it is that this speech even exists, so let me break this down for you guys:
> 
>   1. Erebor's royal family isn't even christian. They have historically been jewish or muslim, although for what I know most of them rn are agnostics/atheists.
>   2. Erebor doesn't really have an official religion, hasn't had it for the last seven decades or so.
>   3. Christians are only around a 25% of Erebor's population according to this source.
> 

> 
> So why do we even have a Christmas speech, you might be asking yourself. Well, it's funny, really! It only started a few generations ago, because:
> 
>   1. The agnostics/atheits of Erebor's royal family tend to celebrate Christmas, which means that nearly _all_ of the royal family has to in the end, because it's no fun to party alone.  
>  Result: private Christmas parties for the royal family become a Thing.
>   2. The Kingdom of Mirkwood has its traditional Yuletide festivities, from when the kingdom was mostly pagan (it still is, considerably so, but the numbers have decreased in recent years). The rivalry and often outright hate between Mirkwood and Erebor is no secret. At some point, one of the ancestors of King Thorin went "Mirkwood's Yuletide is very irritating. We should irritate them back", and of course she decided that on terms of irritating holidays, Christmas took the cake, the candles, and even the plate.  
>  Result: private Christmas parties become a bigger, more public thing; Christmas balls and other events are held in the Mountain.
>   3. The public is very curious about how the royal family spends the holidays. King Thorin's great-grandfather is advised to begin yearly speeches, around New Year's, to give hope and reassurance to Erebor's citizens.  
>  Result: New Year's speeches merge with a small cut of the royal family being Christmas-y (and, if they fall close enough together, Hanukka-sy as well).
>   4. Political climate improves rapidly and significantly. The family cuts become the most important part of the New Year's speech.  
>  Result: everyone begins to refer to the New Year's speech as _Christmas speech_.
> 

> 
> Anyways, if you ever wondered why King Thorin always looks so pissed during his speech, this is probably why. His fine jewish butt Does Not Approve.

**likeitshootit** :

> not that I don't love the Cool FactsTM but-
> 
> is- is no one going to talk about the video itself?? bcs frankly it deserves better. we deserve better.

**ereborsbestfam2kforever** :

> *crashes through the roof, spreading pieces of plaster all over your rug*
> 
> THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN FOR
> 
>   * that closeup of dwalin's totally deadpan face at 0:08. I mean, what the actual fuck. king thorin's voice is going on like "hello, citizens of erebor, thnx for joining me etc etc" and the camera isn't even focused on him. it's too busy perfectly capturing how Done dwalin already is with everything. yes, he is aware it's not even a minute into this speech. yes, he's going to suffer for the whole hour.
>   * also regarding dwalin (YES HE'S MY FAVORITE OKAY?? OKAY), that moment in 2:09 when you can see this year's holidays card from the royal family (to the right, on the small desk behind king thorin), and dwalin is right there on the side, with the shittiest christmas hat I've ever seen tilted on his head, and eyes that say “tRY to murder the royalty this holidays, I dare you”. like tbh I don't know what dwalin is at this point but I doubt that bodyguard is enough. he's like butler from thr artemis fowl fandom. anyways I would kill a man for dwalin. let's move on.
>   * !!!!!!!!!!! 17:43, is it me or is there a photo of a baby-thorin dressed as an elf and sulking like hell???? right there on the royal desk???? right on the edge¿¿¿¿ what is going on. omfg this is a durinbros joke isn't it. our king would never show a photo like that to the public, _or_ to the private, even. and yet here it is, in nation-wide television.
>   * 1:02:12 official speech officially over (I'm sure someone can quote the best bits bcs I bet king thorin lowkey dragged king thranduil at least a thousand times, but tbh I wasn't paying much attention). I can't fucking get over the royal family sitting in their own living room. I mean. dwalin and king thorin are the only ones being all proper and stuff?? (dwalin is there omg!!! and meanwhile poor cousin dain isn't included in the inner family circle lmao).  
>  dis is sinking in that armchair with what I'm pretty sure is a glass of some kind of liquor. fili is taking up half of the couch. kili as usual is not even trying lmao, he's literally sitting on the floor?? and leaning of fili's legs like damn, son, u don't give a fuck about pretending you're all properly princely in the middle of your semi-private holiday celebrations and I can respect that.
>   * the royal family Holidays Bickering is my life-blood (and bickering in general tbh). I can't believe we get fifteen minutes of this every year. 1:07:59 OKAY NVMND MYSTERY SOLVED, I WAS RIGHT.  
>  "thorin doesn't know how the internet works" "DIS I ABSOLUTELY DO KNOW, AND I ALSO KNOW THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE" "if you think you saved yourself from blackmail material you're wrong" "yes fili I know all about the folders you and your brother have in your computers" (*kili, in a whisper, while grinning in the background*: "rECEIPTS") "at least all the embarrassing photos are where they belong. in the dark where no one can see them" *fili starts snickering* "I recommend you take the frame that has been in the right of your main desk for the last hour and turn it around" "....kili what have you done" *dis stares at the camera like she's in the office* *fili, very seriously*: "we did it for erebor" *kili turns and blows a kiss at the camera*
>   * hOLY SHIT the camera panned to the snow outside for like a second and now there's pink glittery garland wrapped aroun dwalin's neck??? WHO WAS IT. WAS IT KILI. WAS IT FILI. WAS IT KILI _AND_ FILI. WAS IT DWALIN HIMSELF.  1:10:11 help.  
>  UPDATE: THAT DIS SMUG SMIRK IS DOING THINGS TO ME 1:10:20 AND HER GLASS IS NOW MYSTERIOUSLY ON TOP OF THE DRESSER. MY MY WE HAVE OUR CRIMINAL.
>   * "I so wish we were lighting the menorah right now" "uncle hanukkah is over this year" "I _know_ nephew, but I carry it in my heart just like some others do with festivities such as- for example- _april's fools_ *pointed stare*" *thorin and dis lowkey highfive* LMFAO *fili and kili exchange a look that promises Trouble and Future Retribution*  1:11:47 who thought putting two pairs of siblings in the same room was a good idea. especially if one pair is made of the second pair's carers.
>   * "we absolutely are _not_ watching home alone 3 again for christmas eve" "ma" "No" "fili she's right you have no taste. you're embarrassing me in national television" "you're fourteen everything in your life is embarrassing" " _w_ - _o-w_ " 1:15:03 *dwalin, sighing at the camera, with absolutely no voice inflection*: "happy holidays"
> 

> 
> I'M SURE THERE'S MORE COOL STUFF BUT!!! TOO BUSY FLAILING SORRY

**b34st3r** :

> I would like to thank not only god but also jesus

66,249 notes  
#Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes #This is so sweet #Happy holidays indeed

 

 

 

 **thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** reblogged **kílidurin**

 **kílidurin** :

> hello this is bombur, the mountain's head chef and best cook, and he's here to rock your world
> 
> [Vine: It's a Wholesome Show - starring Bombur]
> 
> and also for my guys gals and nonbinary pals, the transcription. all of you must be able to feast your senses with this vine. v v important.
> 
> _Transcription_ :  
>  *camera shows a man that is pretty much the twin of rubeus hagrid, wearing an "I Believe I Can Fry" apron and cracking eggs in a pan*  
>  Said Dork In An Apron (SDIAA), humming: "bacon pancakes, makin' bacon pancakes".  
>  fíli's voice, incredulous: "...are you quoting adventure time?"  
>  *SDIAA turns around with the most indignant expression you will ever see in your entire life*  
>  SDIAA: "it's a wholesome show. I'm not ashamed".  
>  fíli's voice: "....you're making an omelette".

**kílidurin** :

> UPDATE: told bombur he's the most viewed vine this week. showed him all the likes and reblogs and comments.
> 
> he is baffled but delighted.
> 
> [Image: bombursayshi.jpg]

**kílidurin** :

> _someone_ 's fame has gotten to his head. and by someone I mean bombur.
> 
> [Vine: New Hat - starring Bombur]
> 
> _Transcription_ :  
>  *rubeus hagrid's twin, aka bombur the cook, looks at the camera. he's wearing a fuzzy, tartan cowboy hat. it's _very_ ugly.*  
>  my creepy disembodied voice: "bombur bought a new hat".  
>  bombur, extremely dignified: "I'm a person of importance now".  
>  princess dís' voice, somehow sounding like she's raising her eyebrows: "you've worked for erebor's royalty for twenty years!"  
>  bombur: "but now I'm in the INTERNET".
> 
> if u don't love bombur ur wrong

521,433 notes  
#Bombur is an angel #I feel like I should be giving him free tea and cake #Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes

 

 

 

 **thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** reblogged **ereboroyalsfanboy**

 **ereboroyalsfanboy** :

> okay, so I don't think I've ever seen a complete list of Erebor Royalty Kicking Major Ass, so I've collected it all up for everyone's benefit
> 
> I gotcha fam
> 
> enjoy
> 
> [Read More]

**kaowkaow** :

> i cant believe princess dis almost killed a man once
> 
> but on second thought
> 
> i _aboslutely_ can

**furriesbeware123** :

> someone: *tries to assassinate erebor's princes*
> 
> fíli and kíli:
> 
> [Gif: lmaowhat-Durinbros.gif]

**themasteroftheolives** :

> Thorin also Does Not Give A Single Fuck, as proven by the many many examples in this post.
> 
> Like, seriously, is there anyone in the royal family who hasn't suffered _at least_ 1 (one) attempted murder?

**2hotpirate** :

> I don't even need sources to say: no
> 
> also, I made a Thing. several Things, actually.
> 
> below, my amazing, seriousTM graphs comparing the number of times each member of the royal family has been targeted by a wannabe assassin. (yes mom this is what I'm using my fancy college degree for)
> 
> [Image: assassination-bargraph.jpg]
> 
> [Image: assassination-piechart.jpg]
> 
> [Image: assassination-linegraph.jpg]
> 
> I also ran some analysis with SPSS to check for significant differences between number of attempts per royal, playing a little (or a lot) with some variables, and got some pretty cool results. if you're an statistics nerd like me, you can read them all under the cut.
> 
> [Read More]
> 
> and now, for the lulz
> 
> here's a crackish graph I drew showing the number of fucks given by each royal per assassination attempt
> 
> [Image: andtheroyalsgave0fucks.jpg]
> 
> the median is zero, if you were wondering. and so are the mode, the standard deviation- _anyways_ , you get me.

**smugestmangointown** :

> I'm sadly not a fancy statistician (I do know my statistics, I just don't have the _fancy_ degree yet) but I'm loving these graphs, so-
> 
> lemme just-
> 
> [Image: dwalinstress.png]
> 
> as you can see, dwalin's stress increases exponencially with each murder attempt. at some point the regression line breaks the graph and goes on into the sky, not to be seen ever again.
> 
> perhaps someone with more talent can get the correlation between number of fucks given by the royals and dwalin's stress. I must admit, I have my suspicions regarding the direction and significance of the relationship.

**ereboroyalsfanboy** :

> I frankly get about 2% of the statistics talk, BUT I'M LOVING THIS ANYWAY
> 
> best additions to my post, hands-down

79,232 notes  
#Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes #I will never not be impressed by Erebor's royal family #Or terrified #Insert "Both? Both" meme here

 

 

 

 **thorinoakenshieldsfinebutt** reblogged **kílidurin**

 **kílidurin** :

> we have semi-recently adquired a New Friend at the mountain. he shy so he'll henceforth will be known as the burglar (don't ask).
> 
> he doesn't particularly approve of the codename but :))) in this house we love and support and give each other terrible nicknames. it's a thing. also fíli and I have known him for like 2 months and he's already very much Done with us, so it's obvious he's here to stay.
> 
> [Vine: Unnamed Spectator Is Done - starring the Burglar]
> 
> _Transcription_ :  
>  *background: fíli and I aggressively wrestling on the floor. a tiny _tiny_ man with curly hair, aka the burglar, is half-turned towards us and watching, slowly shaking his head.*  
>  the burglar, very quietly: "oh no".  
>  *fíli is kicked across the room, but immediately crawls back to drag me out of the frame.*  
>  the burglar, looking into the distance: "they're always like this, aren't they?"  
>  unidentified, resigned voice: "yes".  
>  *the burglar's face suddenly flattens. camera moves to show fíli and I calmly braiding each other's hair like nothing has ever happened (fíli is doing it _wrong_ ).*  
>  unidentified voice: "pffft".  
>  *the burglar stares blankly into the camera for several seconds*
> 
> we love our tiny new friend.

**overthecoversagent4** :

> I know this is a year old but
> 
> OMFG ISN'T THE BURGLAR KING THORIN'S FIANCÉ?????

**kílidurin** :

> lol yes
> 
> say hello to bilbo "it's _baggins_ , kíli" boggins
> 
> [Image: awkwardkilboselfie.jpg]

303,340 notes  
#Good Ol' Erebor Royalty memes #I predict the Burglar a very eventful but happy life #Pray for him

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Pray for Bilbo indeed. ...Actually, pray for everyone.
> 
> I still have no idea of what this was, but it sure was fun writing it! Hopefully now I'll be able to go back to trying to write SeriousTM plots. Or possibly not. We'll see.


End file.
